10th
January
2008
I like refrigerators
Earlier in the week I took a spin at an old classic, “Bill Evans, the boy with no body” to enter a contest where Dan Perry is giving away a Google Refrigerator. My attempt wasn’t too original as all I did was remake a classic email from years gone by. That being said, I had another one in the hopper and which also not to original, but if you’ve been around the web for a while you’ll remember it. It’s based on the classic, I like Monkeys, which till this day is still probably the funniest things I’ve ever read. I don’t know why it strikes me so damn funny but it does.
Without further ado, here’s my plea for a new refrigerator because I Like Refrigerators.
Dan Perry was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like refrigerators.
I took my 200 refrigerators home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the refrigerators were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap refrigerators.
I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead refrigerators lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet refrigerator and 199 dead, dry refrigerators.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead refrigerator in the toilet and I didn’t want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two refrigerators at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet refrigerator in my toilet, two dead, frozen refrigerators in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred refrigerators in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my refrigerators and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my refrigerators. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn’t allowed to dispose of charred appliances. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like refrigerators
